You’re absolutely right.

The dynamic changes when the gift-giver wants to “put others in a position of obligation.” In such cases the gift is intended as a means of manipulation, and so accepting it would result in some extremely unhealthy consequences.

What I was hoping to address in this post isn’t the cases when gifts are used for manipulation, but when gifts are given with the genuine intention of contributing to someone else’s happiness.

Would you say that there are such instances or are ALL gifts given for the purpose of manipulation and obligation? And are there people in the world who feel guilty for receiving gifts, even when not given for the sake of manipulation?

I hate simplistic advice, but this post wasn’t intended to cover all manifestations of gift-giving. So thank you for giving this topic greater depth.

Gifts have the potential of strengthen ties, depending on why they are given and how they are received. Declining a gift out of politeness and respect to the giver can undermine the effort to strengthen the tie. This post is aimed at pointing out this risk to potential good-doers (i.e. good-hearted gift-refusers ).

I personally don’t think the effort put into getting a gift should be the main criterion to use in how we perceive and, therefore, evaluate gifts. I’m a huge fan of “I saw this and thought of you” gifts. While it doesn’t take much effort to find them (because you stumble upon them rather than search for them), but they show others that you’re thinking about them. Obsessing over the amount of effort put into a gift can cause a downward spiral where we expect greater effort and more sacrifices before we accept gifts. And it can quickly backfire when we don’t get the appreciation we receive for our hard work!

I don’t think relationships based on sacrifices are healthy or sustainable. It’s best to think of the intentions that accompany the gift rather than demand sweat and tears along with it.

I totally agree with your idea that gifts are a great way to strengthen social ties. I would also suggest that maybe the amount of effort involved in producing the gift determines how much the social tie becomes strengthened. I guess when you decide whether or not to accept a gift you’re actually deciding whether or not you want to strengthen your social ties to the giver.

I guess in some ways having a conversation with someone is a similar process to exchanging gifts. In general it’s better to be grateful and enjoy the other persons efforts but if the other person is abusive or then I would personally prefer to walk away.

Gifts are a great way of strengthening social ties and exercising empathy, where we feel the joy of receiving a gift, even though we’re the ones giving it. When you give another person a gift, you don’t want them to feel guilty for receiving it, because you’ll feel guilty giving it (because you’ve made the person receiving it suffer as a result).

Receiving gifts we can’t afford can lead us to question our own competency in life and our dependence on others for getting the things we want. But what about cheap gifts, or expensive ones we can afford? We may still feel guilty accepting them because they cost the giver something, be it time, effort or money. It can feel wrong to accept gifts because we don’t deserve them, or we don’t want to be a burden on others.

But, generally, when someone gives us a gift with no strings attached, it’s best to accept it without feeling guilty, since that makes the act of giving enjoyable for the giver and receiver.

It’s nice to see a simple subject such as gift giving touch on many different issues, and helps us explore a variety of topics.

Thanks, again, for mentioning the connection with codependency!