Category: Personal Growth

As a teacher, I’m not interested in getting the right answer from my students, just an answer.

Why?

Because giving the right answer feels intimidating.

Students don’t want to look stupid, so they prefer to stay quiet.

But how they answer my questions reveal what their understanding of the subject is, and I use that as a basis to explain the subject. I build on what they understood correctly, and clarify what they haven’t.

If I ignore their understanding and continue my lessons without taking their misunderstandings into consideration, there will be a gap between what they know and what I’m teaching them. They will struggle to make sense of what I’m saying since it doesn’t fit into their own understanding.

In most cases, however, the students say they don’t know what the right answer is, then immediately give it!

That’s because they weren’t sure whether their understanding of the subject is correct or not.

We have the same situation when it comes to personal growth.

We look for answers to our questions and solutions to our problems, without realizing that – in many cases – we already know the answer we’re looking for and possess the solution we desperately seek.

Except, we don’t realize that we do.

Because we’re not experts, or not popular, or not successful.

We overlook our own insights and rely on other people’s advice.

But the reason why we resist following other people’s advice is that – deep down – we disagree with it. Or, at least, feel that our own opinions deserve some recognition, even when we don’t acknowledge them consciously.

I’m not saying that your answers will always be correct, but it’s a great place to start and build on.

Before you look for the next book or blog that’ll change your life, ask yourself: “What do I think of this? How will I solve this problem? What do I already know about this issue? What do I think will work in this situation?”

I’m sure you’ll be impressed by your own advice. 😉

I’m not quite sure where the human race went wrong, but we’ve developed some unhealthy masochistic tendencies.

Many religious teachings reinforce the idea that pain and torment are the hallmarks of the pious, and Immanuel Kant’s philosophy established selflessness as the foundation of morality.

If it’s enjoyable, then it’s bad.

If it’s for your own pleasure, then it’s evil.

This obsession with pain is rampant in our societies, where we tend to value hard work over great results.

The effort you put in seems to be more valuable than the results you get out.

The efficient and productive workers seem to “have it easy” and “don’t work as hard as their coworkers.”

Working at a job you hate sounds like the responsible thing to do. If you enjoy your work, then you’re just playing around and need to “grow up.”

If you don’t suffer, you don’t succeed.

Or so our culture says.

But pain is a bad thing. No human being should voluntarily seek out pain, especially when there are painless alternatives.

I would even say that you can usually get better results, with less pain.

If you’re willing to let go of this whole idea that pain is a virtue, you’ll realize that you can work smarter, instead of having to work harder.

Instead of doing everything manually, you can figure out ways to automate repetitive tasks.

Instead of trying to do everything yourself, you can get others to help you out.

Instead of approaching work with the mindset that “this sucks, but I have to do it,” you look for ways to make the work more enjoyable (if it can’t be avoided).

Instead of wasting your life in a job you hate, you pursue the work you enjoy and feel passionate about.

Pain is your body’s way of telling you something is wrong. Continuing with the pain means you’re ignoring your body’s signal and going against your own needs.

Sooner or later your body will give in and you may blow a mental fuse (or two).

There are some pursuits that involve hard work, but that doesn’t mean that you should make the work feel painful.

Try and make every endeavor as enjoyable as you can make it.

Add excitement and fun to the pursuit of every goal.

How can I make this more exciting? How can I make this more fun? How can I make this easier?

You’ll realize that you’ll be able to stick with goals for longer and get better results if you don’t feel obliged to experience pain.

No pain, more gain.

My wife (a.k.a. the wifey) once presented me with this hypothetical scenario:

Suppose you are a waiter at a restaurant.

There are two women, one fat and the other skinny, sitting at a table. You were asked to take a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi to them.

Who would you offer the Diet Pepsi to?

Making assumptions about people’s dietary choices based on their body size can be offensive, but I was quick to answer: “I’d ask them: ‘Who ordered the Diet Pepsi?'”

The wifey said: “Suppose you can’t ask.”

“Easy! I’d say what the drinks are and put them in the middle for them to take the drink they ordered!”

“Well, let’s suppose you can’t do that either.”

“That’s easy! I’d commit suicide!”

Yes, I’m not the biggest fan of hypothetical scenarios, and by the end of this post I suspect you won’t be, either.

Hypothetical scenarios are useful to isolate a particular issue so it can be understood more fully, and they are enormously useful in education.

Rather than mention a particular political incident, where people can be distracted by the details, you present a hypothetical scenario so you can discuss the role of an ideal government, for example.

It is also very common to use hypothetical scenarios when exploring moral questions, or for preparing responses to situations you are likely to face in the future.

The problem is when you apply the same hypothetical thinking to address real-life problems.

Hypothetical scenarios involve context-dropping, where you don’t consider the specifics of a situation, but its general description.

In real-life, the specifics matter. You think within the context of your life.

You don’t ignore details or try to think of how someone might tackle the problems you’re facing, without taking all the relevant details of your life into consideration.

For example, suppose you are looking for a job in the IT field. How would you do it?

You can use job boards, go to a career office, approach companies, or ask the people you know.

If you say to yourself: “But what if I don’t find anything in the job boards?” before you even search them, you know that hypothetical thinking has damaged your brain.

Why? Because you’re trying to plan for something that doesn’t exist in your life, while overlooking the opportunity you have in front of you.

You think that’s bad? Most of us go a step further. We don’t ask the people we know for help!

Why? Because in the back of our minds we say to ourselves: “But what if I didn’t know these people? How would I be able to get a job by myself?”

We form a very generic, universal scenario in our head that’s meant to encompass the whole of humanity and then ask: “How would I function then?”

But you never live in a universal scenario.

Your life is made up of details that you don’t share with anyone else.

There are similarities with other people, of course. But you can’t overlook the unique elements that form your life while trying to make a decision.

My wifey’s hypothetical scenario would never exist in the real world, so why bother searching for an answer to such a scenario? Why can’t I ask the women who ordered what? Why can’t I put the drinks in the middle?

In many ways, we unnecessarily restrict our options because we’re thinking hypothetically.

Don’t think about the people that are in the worst possible situations (physical disability, abusive father, no family or friends, in huge debt, under a corrupt regime, etc), then live your life according to their situation. Accept the opportunities you have, as well as your own limits.

For every goal you wish to achieve, look at the resources available to you and only you. Then look at the resources available to those in your neighborhood, your country, your region.

Embrace the details that make up your life.

Don’t imagine life in other people’s shoes. Live in your own.

Unfortunately, the line between your convictions and other people’s convictions is often blurred.

You may feel obliged to accept other people’s convictions, or demand that they accept yours.

This problem can halt your progress in life, since you can’t move a step forward with your own convictions when there’s someone, somewhere who happens to disagree with you.

Others may tell you that you can’t achieve your goals. And rather than focus your time, energy and attention on your goals, you dedicate yourself to changing their convictions to match yours.

Then, and only then, will you give yourself permission to move towards your goals.

But the fact is, you don’t have to convince others to accept your convictions.

All you have to do is live according to your own convictions.

The world makes sense to you according to how you see it, and you should act according to that understanding. You can’t take action according to other people’s understanding of the world, be they your parents, friends, managers, or any authority figure.

Think of every goal that you have, and whether you’ve attached a “yes, but Person X doesn’t believe I can do it/think it’s right/cares about this” to that goal. If you have, then you’re living your life through someone else’s convictions.

Remind yourself that you have a mind of your own, and that you should respect your own convictions, as well as give others the space to form their own convictions, without them defining how you will live your life.

One of the unhealthiest ways you can approach life is as a spectator.

Rather than live life, you observe it.

You offer a commentary on the world, without taking part in it.

You don’t make any decisions, so as not to suffer the consequences of bad judgments.

You don’t expose yourself to criticism or subject yourself to ridicule.

You play it safe, and direct your attention to other people’s problems and accomplishments, while overlooking your own.

If you’ve been finding it difficult to apply what you learn from personal growth literature in your own life, then it’s highly likely that you’re functioning in a spectator mode.

You’re busy learning about life, but distance yourself from it.

You want to know, but not apply.

To change your life and reach your goals, you must change your mode of operation.

Instead of being a spectator of life, you must become a participant in it.

Instead of asking: “What can I learn?” you should ask: “How can I apply what I learn?”

Instead of asking: “What could he have done differently?” you should ask: “What can I do better?”

Don’t sit in the sidelines admiring other people’s accomplishments or mocking them for their shortcomings.

Direct your attention towards developing your own character, improving your own life and giving your knowledge practical expression through your own actions.