Month: December 2010

If you went through yesterday’s “Ideal Life” exercise, your thoughts may have been interrupted by a nagging “but I can’t” feeling (and if you didn’t do the exercise, then I highly suggest that you do).

“I want to live in a tropical island… but I can’t.”

“I want to be a more patient father and a loving husband… but I can’t.”

“I want to be more focused while doing my work… but I can’t.”

That’s a perfectly natural response to what appear to be distant hopes. You’re aware of limitations in your own life, and want to take them into consideration while planning out your ideal life.

Such thinking can serve you well, and we’ll talk about it more in the future.

But for now, you shouldn’t be thinking of how you will create your ideal life, but what that ideal life is.

The Big But

There’s a common thread behind most of the “buts” that seek your attention while you’re trying to think about your ideal life. In fact, they’re all manifestations of a Big But that’s sabotaging the quality of your life.

And that Big But is…

**drum roll**

You’ll find out after the break!

…

**Commercial break**

…

And we’re back!

Where were we? Oh, yes.

The Big But.

That Big But is… YOU!

That’s right, you’re willing to abandon many of your desires and dreams because you believe you’re not capable of achieving them.

It could be because you can’t (given your characteristics or abilities) or that you don’t deserve them (given what you were brought up to think, or based on your religious beliefs).

“I’m unworthy… I’m too stupid… I’m so clumsy… I’m inexperienced… I’m too shy… I’m such a loser…”

The impressions we have about ourselves shape who we are and the sort of lifestyle we lead.

The reason why you’re living the life you’re living is influenced heavily by what you think about yourself.

What makes pursuing your dreams seem impossible also comes down to your impressions of who you are.

For the “Ideal Life” exercise to be carried out properly, you need to overlook your own impressions about yourself.

Imagine yourself behaving in the way you want to behave.

See yourself speaking and acting in the way you want to speak and act.

Imagine what that will feel like.

Again, don’t worry too much about feasibility at the moment.

You simply want to be clear about what your ideal life is like.

The “Ideal Life” exercise is so important that it deserves another day to think about.

So give it some more thought and notice how it makes you feel.

I’ll be here tomorrow for another update…

If you’re facing any problems with the exercise (e.g. you can’t seem to focus properly), or aren’t clear about something or the other, then express your concerns in the comments section, and I’ll do my best to guide you through the exercise.

If you’re like me, writing a list of resolutions or goals doesn’t feel all that comfortable. For one thing, my mind goes as blank as the screen (or paper) I’m facing.

Goals and resolutions are abstract concepts, and trying to express them in concrete form can be very difficult to do (which is why we might default to adopting popular resolutions such as to go to the gym, quit smoking, etc).

An approach that can work better than list-writing is to visualize your ideal life. Aim for a picture (and, preferably, a movie) that shows what your goals will look and feel like in your own life.

This approach is much easier and far more enjoyable than trying to come up with a list of resolutions (which you will do later on, once you’re clear about the results you want to see in your life).

What does your ideal life look like?

What will you be doing?

Where will you be working?

Will you be working?

Who will you spend your time with?

Where will you travel?

Where will you live?

How will you behave?

How will you respond to crises?

What will you look like?

What thoughts will occupy your mind?

What will an ideal day in your life look like? An ideal week? An ideal month? An ideal year?

Don’t place any limits on what you can be, have and do.

Just let your imagination go wild.

I’ll spare you the suspense and tell you from now that I won’t be saying anything along the lines of “If you believe, you can achieve!”

I’m not saying that you will have everything you want, but it’s important that you’re honest with yourself and are willing to admit what you do want.

A lot of the frustration we experience in life isn’t a result of conscious thoughts, but desires running in the background of our minds. And since these desires clash with our immediate surroundings, we can experience frustration, anxiety and depression.

By clarifying what your ideal life looks like, you will consciously know what you should be aiming for in life (after all, this is your ideal life).

Give this issue careful thought before going to sleep, during a quiet time in your day or while you tend to your work throughout the day.

Be conscious of things in your life you’re not too happy with, and what the alternative you desire looks like.

I can’t tell you how valuable this exercise is, but will elaborate on it in later posts, and you’ll realize why this exercise is such a crucial foundation to personal growth and life success.

It’s time to turn away from the screen and give your life the attention it needs.

Sweet (day) dreams. 🙂

In yesterday’s post, we looked at how our expectations can amplify the difficulty involved in a task and define our experiences.

One of the ways to break through false expectations is to “test the waters” and discover for yourself what the experience will be like.

By testing the waters, you don’t set any long-term commitments or aim for specific results. You only want to find out what the experience will involve and how it will feel, through actual evidence rather than distorted expectations.

I sometimes tire myself out thinking about exercising, but when I give it a go it feels far more easier than thinking about it.

The train of thought goes something like this:

“Oh my God, I so wanna exercise but don’t have the time or energy right now. There’s just so much to do. I’d have to go to my room, change my clothes, dig up my sports shoes, turn the door knob, leave the house, … zzzzzzz”

Every single step and gesture becomes an insurmountable task, as though going to your room is as difficult as climbing Mount Everest.

Instead of giving your expectations too much thought, say to yourself: “Let me go round the block and see how that feels.”

Think of the tasks you’ve been putting off or any experience you’d love to have but think is impossible to do so. Then try it out.

Without any expectations or commitments.

You’ll be in a better position to judge how easy or difficult it is once you have some experience to build on and learn from.

“If you fear something then pursue it, because the fear you feel is far worse than the experience itself.”
~ Imam Ali

Our life experiences are heavily conditioned by our expectations.

If we believe that an experience will be frightening, we’ll bring our fear into that experience, even when the circumstances haven’t triggered such a response.

Our expectations can be a result of past experiences that we project onto future ones, the impressions we hold about ourselves and how we will behave, and good ol’ fashioned ignorance.

The problem with having unrealistic expectations is that we can make a task appear much harder than it is, and avoid it at all costs, or easier than it is, and burden ourselves with work we can’t handle.

Look at the learning experiences you’re avoiding and the tasks you’re putting off. You will notice that your expectations play a major role in how you feel and, therefore, how you behave towards them.

When it comes to setting realistic resolutions you can actually stick to, it’s important that you adjust your expectations accordingly.

Lowering Your Expectations

Personal growth writers tend to advocate a “Think Big” attitude to life, and having positive expectations about what you can achieve.

But in many, many cases it’s the ridiculously unrealistic expectations we have that paralyze us and make us avoid doing anything out of fear that our experiences don’t match our expectations.

If you expect not to make any mistakes the first time you cook, for example, and that you’ll know your way around the kitchen (when you don’t), then you’ll avoid setting foot in the kitchen. That’s because somewhere in your brain you know that your expectations aren’t realistic and that you’re destined to make mistakes when you first try something new.

Admitting to yourself that you’ll make mistakes, that you’ll face setbacks, that you’ll screw up at times, that you’ll need to ask people for advice and admit your own ignorance will lift a heavy burden you’re putting on yourself as a result of the high expectations you feel obliged to fulfill.

Achieving your New Year’s resolutions won’t be a super-smooth ride. Not everything will go as planned, and you’ll need to accept that reality won’t fit your expectations as neatly as you want.

Lowering your expectations isn’t about being pessimistic, but about diffusing the pressure you put on yourself to meet unrealistic expectations.

When looking at your resolutions and the goals you set out for yourself, remind yourself that it’s “OK” to make mistakes here and there, so that you can get to see these mistakes as hurdles, and not dead ends.

Tackling your resolutions head-on might seem like a sensible approach to take, but it’s often much easier to work on all the little factors that feed into your goals, rather than depend on heaps of willpower and determination to achieve success.

You’ll notice that making a tiny 1% improvement in several areas will eventually build up to create a powerful force you didn’t realize you can generate so easily.

This is my favored approach to becoming an early riser.

Whenever I decide to shift my schedule to a morning one, I don’t try to force myself to wake up early. Instead, I cut out caffeinated drinks from my diet, eat a light dinner, drink lots of water, avoid mental stimulation before sleep and go to bed early.

With every goal you have, ask yourself the question: What tiny things can I do to help me cultivate the right conditions for my goal to flourish?

Look for all the factors that influence your goal. The environment you work in, the people you connect with, your use of technology, what you eat, how you spend your time, how you plan your day, the breaks you have, etc.

Work on the conditions that surround your goals, rather than the goals themselves.

Aim for small changes and adjustments. Things that make the pursuit of your goals easier and more enjoyable.

Positive change can involve lots of hard work, but it doesn’t always have to. You shouldn’t feel guilty about making your goals easier to achieve.

So how can you create the right conditions to assist you in achieving your goals?