Month: December 2010

Excuses are a funny thing.

It’s OK, you can laugh out loud at how silly they are. I’m gonna take a few minutes to get a hearty laugh off my chest.

HAHAHA!

Not amused?

Then let me explain why they’re so funny. And I’ll do that with a story.

Meet the Characters

The characters in our story are: the “hero” (those quotation marks deserve to be there. Trust me), the villagers, the weather (yes, you read that correctly), a gang of trolls, and the baker’s daughter (who happens to be a dashing beauty).

Although the characters may sound familiar, the story is entirely different to anything you’ve seen on the big screen or read in a book, simply because it’s rather dull, annoying and doesn’t make much sense.

In fact, it’s absurdity is rather amusing. To my sense of humor, at least.

HAHA! (Oh man, I kill me sometimes!)

Now here’s the funny thing: while no self-respecting writer would ever dare write such a story of fiction, we’re living it on a day-to-day basis (but with slight modifications).

And without further delay, let’s read the story…

Once Upon A Time…

There was a strong, handsome young man, with ambitious goals and a lofty vision. He wanted to make the world a better place and leave his mark in the annals of history. He valued his own happiness, and knew that it was possible for him. Except he was too busy fighting an inner battle between his own desires and doubts.

The villagers thought he was strange. His strength was all too apparent to them, yet he wouldn’t admit it, even to himself. They knew he can accomplish great things, but he spent his days in a dark corner of his room, trying to figure out why he can’t seem to achieve anything.

One night, the baker’s daughter was taken by a gang of trolls on her way home. The villagers knew they can rely on our hero-to-be to get her back, but he didn’t share their conviction.

“How can I get her back? I don’t know where the trolls took her?”

“They left the village from the east. You can follow their trail!” came the response.

“But I don’t know how to follow trails. I’m no good at these things. You can look for someone else. Why don’t you guys do anything? Why do you have to look to me for help?”

“Look! You’re the strongest man among us. We NEED your help!” they villagers pleaded.

“But it’s too cold outside! I can’t walk too far in the cold. I might DIE!” the “hero” said, sobbing uncontrollably.

The villagers abandoned the sobbing wreck, and went out to do the best they can to bring back the baker’s daughter.

And that’s where our story ends.

The Moral of the Story

I have the urge to kick my computer screen at how annoying this story is. The hero could have looked for the baker’s daughter, or at least tried to do so.

But instead, he contented himself with the excuse that the weather was too cold.

Blaming the weather didn’t help get the baker’s daughter back. And here’s the moral of the story:

Blame never gets us to our goals.

We can feel comforted by blaming others or our circumstances, so we don’t feel responsible to take action and risk failure. But no matter who or what you blame, you don’t make any progress towards your goals.

And here’s the funny thing: When we play the blame game, we voluntarily give up control and limit our own ability to reach our goals.

As human beings, we naturally strive to expand our skills and abilities to achieve our goals and experience happiness. But blame reverses this natural pattern. It allows us to experience joy through failure, simply because we’re not held responsible for that failure.

It’s funny because it’s absurd! 😀

The Stuff of Heroes

It’s easy to tell how unheroic the “hero” of our story is. That’s because he lacks the substance of heroism.

Heroes aren’t omnipotent or omniscient beings. They can make mistakes, and often do. Their path is riddled with failures, which they need to recover from.

They do the best they can with what they have.

And, most importantly, they focus on what’s within their power to achieve their goals.

Sure the people in their lives play a part in their lives, their upbringing shapes their character in some way, and there are 101 factors beyond their control. But none of that matters. What matters to heroes is what they can do and how they can expand their abilities to reach their goals.

They aren’t interested in “blame” or “failure”, what people will say or think, or falsely conclude that they are failures simply because they have experienced failure.

They are aware of their ability to choose the actions they take, the thoughts that occupy their minds, and the emotions they cultivate.

They acknowledge their limitations, but work within them and seek to stretch them.

That’s all they can do, and that’s all that matters to them.

“People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.”
~ J. Michael Straczynski

In yesterday’s post I suggested that you look at your past failures for lessons you can learn from them.

But I didn’t mention a key distinction between two concepts: reasons and excuses.

You can dig up the reasons for your past failures, or construct excuses to justify these failures.

But what’s the difference? How can you ensure that you’re not contaminating your mind with the excusitis disease that plagues so many people?

Planting Excuses

My daughter was extremely frightened on her first day at kindergarten, and created an Oscar-worthy scene as she was being escorted inside the school.

When I picked her up that day, I asked her why she was so frightened. She said that she didn’t want us to leave her with strangers.

But several days later, she kept coming up with other “reasons” for why she was afraid. Reasons that didn’t even exist on the first day!

“You know why I cried? I wanted to see grandma!”

“You know why I cried? I was afraid Salim [a boy in her class she hadn’t yet met] would hit me!”

I found her excuse-generation interesting, since she was planting reasons for why she behaved the way she did that didn’t exist at the time.

A reason can’t be a reason if it was made up after the event. That’s a sure sign that you’re creating an excuse to justify what happened.

But there are always reasons for successes and failures.

You simply need to have the willingness to admit what they are.

Sounds simple, but definitely not easy.

Taking The Next Step

Not all excuses are made up. A reason for failure can be used as an excuse, depending on how you approach it.

When you state the reason as a justification and a reassurance that you’re not to blame, since there was a reason for your failure, then that reason has magically transformed into an excuse.

Instead of being content with uncovering the reasons for your past failures, it’s important to take the next step and ask yourself the question: “What could I have done to overcome this reason?”

Again, the point isn’t to justify the failure, but to learn from the experience.

By directing your focus to what can be done to remove the reasons for failure, you end up with practical steps you can take to avoid similar failures in the future.

Suppose you had a resolution to go to the gym on a daily basis. You bought a one-year membership, but only managed to go for the first two weeks and never set foot in the gym again for the rest of the year.

That’s a failure, probably with several factors that led to it.

• You didn’t schedule your gym visits properly. How can you schedule your gym visits?
• You didn’t plan your work projects more effectively. What can you do to ensure that you don’t need to spend extra hours at work?
• You didn’t ask your partner to help you maintain your routine. How can you get your partner to support you in your health efforts?
• You overwhelmed yourself with a complicated exercise regimen. What simple routine can you begin with that is easy to stick to?
• You weren’t supplying your body with the nutrients it needs to maintain the extra work you were demanding of it. What should you be eating to stay energized?
• Etc.

By looking at each reason and what can be done about it, you develop a solution-focused attitude that allows you to learn from the past, without being comforted by excuses.

New Year’s resolutions and goal-setting can leave a bad taste in our mouths because they remind us of bitter failures.

We once believed that we could be different and lead different lives, but a string of past failures have ingrained the belief in us that we can never change and have absolutely no control over our lives and circumstances.

But past failures can grant you priceless insights on what doesn’t work, and what you can try out instead.

I’m now following the Primal Blueprint, and have been doing so for over 2 months, with no desire to abandon it.

Having said that, I’ve gone on this diet 2 or 3 times before, but was unable to follow it for long stretches of time, not to mention all the other diets I’ve tried and failed miserably to stick to.

The success I’m experiencing now is, in a way, built on my past failures, because I’ve learned from them what went wrong and what can always potentially go wrong.

I know from starvation diets that I’m harming my body when I deprive it of food, and it always exacts ruthless revenge to get the food it so desperately needs.

I admit to losing weight a lot faster during starvation diets than I do with the Primal Blueprint, but the latter makes me feel satisfied with what I eat and how much I eat.

The first time I tried the Primal Blueprint, I didn’t know what foods I was supposed to eat! That quickly turned into a starvation situation, and I gave up on the diet before I withered away.

I also realized that I was too strict on myself and tried to stick to the diet 100%, following all its tiny recommendations (which I didn’t even know at the time).

I can look to my past failures with shame, or embrace them as learning experiences that help guide my future decisions to avoid making similar mistakes.

“Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.”
~ African proverb

Were your past resolutions unrealistic?

Were they unclear?

Did you need those around you to support you?

Did “public accountability” quickly turn to public criticism?

Did you lack the resources you needed to see your resolutions through?

Did you need to achieve your goals in stages?

Did you doubt your own abilities?

What can you learn from your past failures to better approach your future resolutions?

Think of the factors that could have contributed to your past failures and come up with ways to overcome these obstacles for the upcoming year.

You’ll be surprised by how quickly your past failures can turn into valuable resources. 🙂

Goal-setting is one of the cornerstones of personal growth literature, but not all writers believe that it’s a fool-proof, results-guaranteed practice.

Let’s take 3 examples of dissenting voices, and why they question the value of goal-setting:

• Leo Babauta, of Zen Habits, believes that goals act as walls more than bridges. And while you may attribute your success to having goals, they tend to take undeserved credit for what you could’ve achieved without them (and with less frustration and guilt). Instead, he now lives out his life without goals.

• Tim Brownson, of A Daring Adventure, has observed that his life coaching clients don’t always experience happiness as a result of achieving their goals. He thinks that goal-setting may have a dark side, and we should be aware of the potential harms of goal-setting, rather than set goals dogmatically without ever stopping to question our approach, or even the practice itself.

• Ali Luke, of Aliventures, thinks that goal-setting is overrated. It’s insanely difficult to plan too far ahead, and not always desirable. Instead of setting 5-year, 10-year, or even life goals, she prefers to look 6-months into the future, and be flexible in approaching her goals.

These three opinions add a bit more dimension to the subject of goals, and helps us develop a more realistic understanding of the role goals can play in our lives, and the likely damage they can cause. I’d like to explore these opinions further and extract some lessons from them.

Should We Have Goals?

While Leo believes that he is living without goals, I’d like to offer an alternative explanation.

It’s not that Leo doesn’t have goals, but he doesn’t set them consciously. In effect, he has internalized his goal-setting process and can now rely on his passion to guide his actions.

Leo says that while not having goals to live by, he has managed to publish a new book. I’m of the opinion that it’s impossible to write a book without the intent of writing a book. You can find yourself with a finished blog post while intending to write a journal entry, but writing a book (and launching it) requires a greater stretch of time to think through and complete.

It may not feel like his previous experiences of goal-setting, but there remains an internal desire to achieve a goal (the published book). And it’s because Leo has published books before, and because he’s a skilled writer, he doesn’t need a great deal of conscious thinking to see himself through the writing process.

Leo doesn’t demonstrate a goal-free lifestyle, but a mastery of goal-setting. In other words, he is unconscious of his competence at goal-setting (to borrow from Abraham Maslow’s lingo on the stages of competence).

Therefore, a “life without goals” isn’t a reality many people can experience, because they (myself included) need a great deal of conscious effort to arrive at the necessary competence that makes goal-setting a natural process to undertake. A conscious effort at setting goals and making resolutions is the best approach we have available to us (for now) to turn our dreams into a reality.

Do Goals Make Us Happy?

There are two key elements to human happiness:

1. Choosing goals that are in harmony with our nature
2. Achieving our goals

Most people familiar with goal-setting tend to focus on the second element, while ignoring the first. They are skilled at achieving their goals, but fail to question whether their goals are the right ones for them, and compatible with human happiness.

If you don’t question why your goals are your goals in the first place, then you may be mimicking what everyone else around you is doing, which will leave you feeling empty and unfulfilled.

When I was in university, I had the mistaken religious belief that by depriving myself of worldly pleasures, I was being a moral, upright individual. I can honestly say that the tougher I was on myself, the greater the joy I experienced. Not because this outlook was a life-affirming one, but because I believed I was doing the right thing, even when it was the wrong thing to do.

We can easily fool ourselves into thinking that the sense of accomplishment we’re experiencing is happiness, when it is simply a narrow sense of pleasure at having accomplished a goal that isn’t even compatible with human nature.

Tim, as a life coach, does some wonderful work with value elicitation to help you find the goals and projects that align with your core values, and that’s a necessary step to take in goal-setting.

Choosing the wrong goals means that you’ll be heading in the wrong direction. Achieving those goals means that you’ve arrived at where you don’t want to be.

Not the wisest approach to happiness.

How Far Ahead Should We Plan?

There is an important distinction we have to make between goals and goal-setting. Goals are the targets we move towards, and goal-setting is the process we use to define these targets.

To define a goal and then pursue it with total disregard for changes in circumstances and our interests isn’t a sensible approach at all, especially when life is so dynamic and ever-changing.

But this doesn’t render goal-setting as useless practice. In fact, it makes it even more important, since we need to rely on it on a more regular basis.

We can’t exactly have a goal-setting session that defines for us our goals for the remaining years of our lives. We need to reevaluate our own ideals and ambitions more frequently to ensure that our goals are appropriate to our conditions and are defined while being mindful of the threats and opportunities that characterize our current landscape.

Ali’s decision to set 6-month goals doesn’t undermine goal-setting, but testifies to its importance and value as a traveling companion in the journey of life.

“In preparing for battle, I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.”
~ General Dwight D. Eisenhower

It’s essential that you are convinced of the value of goal-setting before you can make New Year’s resolutions that you’re willing to stick to.

If you’re still not convinced that you should be making New Year’s resolutions for the next year, share your reservations in the comments so that we get to tackle the obstacles holding you back and compromising your success.

New Year’s resolutions are synonymous with failure, disappointment and guilt.

We somehow feel that they should be working wonders in our lives, but their power fizzles out a few short days into the new year.

You might be thinking: “Surely there’s a way to get resolutions to work!”

And you’ll be glad to know that there is. But don’t call me Shirley. [A mini-tribute to the late Leslie Nielsen]

To help you get on your feet, and to take the first step with the right foot (unless you’re left-footed, in which case you’ll take the first step with your left foot), I’ll be publishing daily tips on how to make New Year’s resolutions work for you.

And here’s the thing: there’s a common reason for why resolutions don’t work.

Well, what is it?

It is a pronoun, but that’s not important right now. [Another tribute]

The biggest reason for why resolutions fail is that we don’t prepare ourselves for the New Year.

Resolutions are usually thought of on New Year’s Eve, and only when we are asked what our resolutions for the new year will be.

We don’t plan for them and, in many cases, we don’t even know what our resolutions mean, or how they’ll look like in our lives.

But let’s make the upcoming year different.

Let’s plan for it from now and prepare for it in advance.

This way, we can break the cycle of broken promises and shattered dreams.

Let’s approach our life and the desire for personal grow mindfully, to get better results and experience renewed hope and greater joy throughout the process.

Consider your own thoughts and feelings about New Year’s resolutions, and share your insights in the comments section.

Let’s help each other make the new year a leap forward in our personal growth! 😀