Category: General

In yesterday’s post, we looked at how our expectations can amplify the difficulty involved in a task and define our experiences.

One of the ways to break through false expectations is to “test the waters” and discover for yourself what the experience will be like.

By testing the waters, you don’t set any long-term commitments or aim for specific results. You only want to find out what the experience will involve and how it will feel, through actual evidence rather than distorted expectations.

I sometimes tire myself out thinking about exercising, but when I give it a go it feels far more easier than thinking about it.

The train of thought goes something like this:

“Oh my God, I so wanna exercise but don’t have the time or energy right now. There’s just so much to do. I’d have to go to my room, change my clothes, dig up my sports shoes, turn the door knob, leave the house, … zzzzzzz”

Every single step and gesture becomes an insurmountable task, as though going to your room is as difficult as climbing Mount Everest.

Instead of giving your expectations too much thought, say to yourself: “Let me go round the block and see how that feels.”

Think of the tasks you’ve been putting off or any experience you’d love to have but think is impossible to do so. Then try it out.

Without any expectations or commitments.

You’ll be in a better position to judge how easy or difficult it is once you have some experience to build on and learn from.

“If you fear something then pursue it, because the fear you feel is far worse than the experience itself.”
~ Imam Ali

Our life experiences are heavily conditioned by our expectations.

If we believe that an experience will be frightening, we’ll bring our fear into that experience, even when the circumstances haven’t triggered such a response.

Our expectations can be a result of past experiences that we project onto future ones, the impressions we hold about ourselves and how we will behave, and good ol’ fashioned ignorance.

The problem with having unrealistic expectations is that we can make a task appear much harder than it is, and avoid it at all costs, or easier than it is, and burden ourselves with work we can’t handle.

Look at the learning experiences you’re avoiding and the tasks you’re putting off. You will notice that your expectations play a major role in how you feel and, therefore, how you behave towards them.

When it comes to setting realistic resolutions you can actually stick to, it’s important that you adjust your expectations accordingly.

Lowering Your Expectations

Personal growth writers tend to advocate a “Think Big” attitude to life, and having positive expectations about what you can achieve.

But in many, many cases it’s the ridiculously unrealistic expectations we have that paralyze us and make us avoid doing anything out of fear that our experiences don’t match our expectations.

If you expect not to make any mistakes the first time you cook, for example, and that you’ll know your way around the kitchen (when you don’t), then you’ll avoid setting foot in the kitchen. That’s because somewhere in your brain you know that your expectations aren’t realistic and that you’re destined to make mistakes when you first try something new.

Admitting to yourself that you’ll make mistakes, that you’ll face setbacks, that you’ll screw up at times, that you’ll need to ask people for advice and admit your own ignorance will lift a heavy burden you’re putting on yourself as a result of the high expectations you feel obliged to fulfill.

Achieving your New Year’s resolutions won’t be a super-smooth ride. Not everything will go as planned, and you’ll need to accept that reality won’t fit your expectations as neatly as you want.

Lowering your expectations isn’t about being pessimistic, but about diffusing the pressure you put on yourself to meet unrealistic expectations.

When looking at your resolutions and the goals you set out for yourself, remind yourself that it’s “OK” to make mistakes here and there, so that you can get to see these mistakes as hurdles, and not dead ends.

Tackling your resolutions head-on might seem like a sensible approach to take, but it’s often much easier to work on all the little factors that feed into your goals, rather than depend on heaps of willpower and determination to achieve success.

You’ll notice that making a tiny 1% improvement in several areas will eventually build up to create a powerful force you didn’t realize you can generate so easily.

This is my favored approach to becoming an early riser.

Whenever I decide to shift my schedule to a morning one, I don’t try to force myself to wake up early. Instead, I cut out caffeinated drinks from my diet, eat a light dinner, drink lots of water, avoid mental stimulation before sleep and go to bed early.

With every goal you have, ask yourself the question: What tiny things can I do to help me cultivate the right conditions for my goal to flourish?

Look for all the factors that influence your goal. The environment you work in, the people you connect with, your use of technology, what you eat, how you spend your time, how you plan your day, the breaks you have, etc.

Work on the conditions that surround your goals, rather than the goals themselves.

Aim for small changes and adjustments. Things that make the pursuit of your goals easier and more enjoyable.

Positive change can involve lots of hard work, but it doesn’t always have to. You shouldn’t feel guilty about making your goals easier to achieve.

So how can you create the right conditions to assist you in achieving your goals?

Excuses are a funny thing.

It’s OK, you can laugh out loud at how silly they are. I’m gonna take a few minutes to get a hearty laugh off my chest.

HAHAHA!

Not amused?

Then let me explain why they’re so funny. And I’ll do that with a story.

Meet the Characters

The characters in our story are: the “hero” (those quotation marks deserve to be there. Trust me), the villagers, the weather (yes, you read that correctly), a gang of trolls, and the baker’s daughter (who happens to be a dashing beauty).

Although the characters may sound familiar, the story is entirely different to anything you’ve seen on the big screen or read in a book, simply because it’s rather dull, annoying and doesn’t make much sense.

In fact, it’s absurdity is rather amusing. To my sense of humor, at least.

HAHA! (Oh man, I kill me sometimes!)

Now here’s the funny thing: while no self-respecting writer would ever dare write such a story of fiction, we’re living it on a day-to-day basis (but with slight modifications).

And without further delay, let’s read the story…

Once Upon A Time…

There was a strong, handsome young man, with ambitious goals and a lofty vision. He wanted to make the world a better place and leave his mark in the annals of history. He valued his own happiness, and knew that it was possible for him. Except he was too busy fighting an inner battle between his own desires and doubts.

The villagers thought he was strange. His strength was all too apparent to them, yet he wouldn’t admit it, even to himself. They knew he can accomplish great things, but he spent his days in a dark corner of his room, trying to figure out why he can’t seem to achieve anything.

One night, the baker’s daughter was taken by a gang of trolls on her way home. The villagers knew they can rely on our hero-to-be to get her back, but he didn’t share their conviction.

“How can I get her back? I don’t know where the trolls took her?”

“They left the village from the east. You can follow their trail!” came the response.

“But I don’t know how to follow trails. I’m no good at these things. You can look for someone else. Why don’t you guys do anything? Why do you have to look to me for help?”

“Look! You’re the strongest man among us. We NEED your help!” they villagers pleaded.

“But it’s too cold outside! I can’t walk too far in the cold. I might DIE!” the “hero” said, sobbing uncontrollably.

The villagers abandoned the sobbing wreck, and went out to do the best they can to bring back the baker’s daughter.

And that’s where our story ends.

The Moral of the Story

I have the urge to kick my computer screen at how annoying this story is. The hero could have looked for the baker’s daughter, or at least tried to do so.

But instead, he contented himself with the excuse that the weather was too cold.

Blaming the weather didn’t help get the baker’s daughter back. And here’s the moral of the story:

Blame never gets us to our goals.

We can feel comforted by blaming others or our circumstances, so we don’t feel responsible to take action and risk failure. But no matter who or what you blame, you don’t make any progress towards your goals.

And here’s the funny thing: When we play the blame game, we voluntarily give up control and limit our own ability to reach our goals.

As human beings, we naturally strive to expand our skills and abilities to achieve our goals and experience happiness. But blame reverses this natural pattern. It allows us to experience joy through failure, simply because we’re not held responsible for that failure.

It’s funny because it’s absurd! 😀

The Stuff of Heroes

It’s easy to tell how unheroic the “hero” of our story is. That’s because he lacks the substance of heroism.

Heroes aren’t omnipotent or omniscient beings. They can make mistakes, and often do. Their path is riddled with failures, which they need to recover from.

They do the best they can with what they have.

And, most importantly, they focus on what’s within their power to achieve their goals.

Sure the people in their lives play a part in their lives, their upbringing shapes their character in some way, and there are 101 factors beyond their control. But none of that matters. What matters to heroes is what they can do and how they can expand their abilities to reach their goals.

They aren’t interested in “blame” or “failure”, what people will say or think, or falsely conclude that they are failures simply because they have experienced failure.

They are aware of their ability to choose the actions they take, the thoughts that occupy their minds, and the emotions they cultivate.

They acknowledge their limitations, but work within them and seek to stretch them.

That’s all they can do, and that’s all that matters to them.

“People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.”
~ J. Michael Straczynski

In yesterday’s post I suggested that you look at your past failures for lessons you can learn from them.

But I didn’t mention a key distinction between two concepts: reasons and excuses.

You can dig up the reasons for your past failures, or construct excuses to justify these failures.

But what’s the difference? How can you ensure that you’re not contaminating your mind with the excusitis disease that plagues so many people?

Planting Excuses

My daughter was extremely frightened on her first day at kindergarten, and created an Oscar-worthy scene as she was being escorted inside the school.

When I picked her up that day, I asked her why she was so frightened. She said that she didn’t want us to leave her with strangers.

But several days later, she kept coming up with other “reasons” for why she was afraid. Reasons that didn’t even exist on the first day!

“You know why I cried? I wanted to see grandma!”

“You know why I cried? I was afraid Salim [a boy in her class she hadn’t yet met] would hit me!”

I found her excuse-generation interesting, since she was planting reasons for why she behaved the way she did that didn’t exist at the time.

A reason can’t be a reason if it was made up after the event. That’s a sure sign that you’re creating an excuse to justify what happened.

But there are always reasons for successes and failures.

You simply need to have the willingness to admit what they are.

Sounds simple, but definitely not easy.

Taking The Next Step

Not all excuses are made up. A reason for failure can be used as an excuse, depending on how you approach it.

When you state the reason as a justification and a reassurance that you’re not to blame, since there was a reason for your failure, then that reason has magically transformed into an excuse.

Instead of being content with uncovering the reasons for your past failures, it’s important to take the next step and ask yourself the question: “What could I have done to overcome this reason?”

Again, the point isn’t to justify the failure, but to learn from the experience.

By directing your focus to what can be done to remove the reasons for failure, you end up with practical steps you can take to avoid similar failures in the future.

Suppose you had a resolution to go to the gym on a daily basis. You bought a one-year membership, but only managed to go for the first two weeks and never set foot in the gym again for the rest of the year.

That’s a failure, probably with several factors that led to it.

• You didn’t schedule your gym visits properly. How can you schedule your gym visits?
• You didn’t plan your work projects more effectively. What can you do to ensure that you don’t need to spend extra hours at work?
• You didn’t ask your partner to help you maintain your routine. How can you get your partner to support you in your health efforts?
• You overwhelmed yourself with a complicated exercise regimen. What simple routine can you begin with that is easy to stick to?
• You weren’t supplying your body with the nutrients it needs to maintain the extra work you were demanding of it. What should you be eating to stay energized?
• Etc.

By looking at each reason and what can be done about it, you develop a solution-focused attitude that allows you to learn from the past, without being comforted by excuses.