Category: Personal Growth

There are three very distinct concepts that we tend to use interchangeably, while overlooking their differences. Distinct concepts don’t refer to the same thing. It should be obvious, but that, sadly, isn’t the case.

There are huge differences between what’s natural, what’s healthy and what’s normal.

If you don’t know the difference, you will in a few short minutes. 🙂

The Natural

This is a personal growth blog, so I won’t be talking much about the natural world (birds, bees, trees, planets, etc). I’m more concerned with what’s natural to human beings.

If you look at the people around you, or the stories you see on TV or the Internet, you will realize the broad spectrum of different ideas humans can hold, emotions they can experience and behaviors they can exhibit.

Some people believe in a realm beyond our own, while others believe that the material world is all that exists. Some can be calm and collected in the face of adversity, while others can collapse at the sight of impending danger. Some express kindness, while others exercise aggression. Some are athletic, while others are obese. And there’s a range of possibilities within each spectrum of human existence. The possible combinations are endless.

But all these possibilities – as long as they are possible to human beings – can be considered natural (unless, of course, they involve a mad scientist with monkey parts and a scalpel). Whatever human beings can experience is natural to being human. That includes health as well as illness.

Therefore, to say that “it’s only natural” that we eat A, B and C, or do X, Y and Z doesn’t offer a sound argument to follow such instructions. Because it’s possible doesn’t mean that it’s good for us.

That’s what the healthy defines.

The Healthy

The set of options that are life-affirming (i.e. good for us) belong to the subset of the healthy. The ideas that reflect an accurate understanding of the world, the emotions that lead to constructive action and the behaviors that ensure our well-being are all healthy.

These are the options we should pursue, and should gravitate towards. While not every action we carry out may be healthy, but we need to have a leaning towards healthier options in life.

The standard of the healthy is what satisfies our needs as human beings, without compromising any aspect of what makes us human.

What’s not a standard for the healthy and life-affirming is the example other people set. And certainly not what the majority of the people do.

That’s not healthy. That’s just normal.

The Normal

What’s common amongst a group of people is the normal. The ideas people are accustomed to, the reactions they experience and expect, the food they eat, the clothes they wear and everything that’s commonly accepted by a group (be it a household, a family, a neighborhood, a town, a nation, a civilization, etc) is the normal, within that group.

But the normal isn’t an indication of what we should do. In most cases, it indicates what we shouldn’t.

Not everyone takes personal growth seriously. The majority of people tend to prefer the easy route through life, which is paved with the wrong decisions.

You don’t want to belong to what’s normal. You want to lead a healthy life, in all aspects of life. That involves conscious living and being committed to making the right decisions in life. You don’t need people’s permission to be healthy.

That’s a decision for you to make on your own. But relying on the standards of the normal won’t get you there.

We often hear about defining moments that completely change a person and carve out a new path for him in life. And in hearing these stories, we often hope for such miraculous moments that would usher in great change in our lives, with little effort on our part.

But change isn’t always through a transformation. We can pave the way to great changes by making minor reformations in our lives.

Rather than doing away with junk food, we simply eat less of it, or introduce healthier foods into our diet.

Rather than dashing from the couch to join a marathon, we go on a casual stroll around the block.

Rather than try and reconnect with every single person we’ve ever met, we send off a couple of emails to old friends.

The possibilities of reformations are endless, and within reach.

We don’t have to wait for transformations to change our lives. We can take small steps (reformations) towards the life we want to lead.

Reformations usually don’t seem to move us far enough or fast enough towards our ideal life. But it’s better to make some progress in life than none at all.

And given the relationship between reformations and transformations, we are often missing out on potential transformations because we’re unwilling to make small reformations.

Reformations give us a sense of accomplishment, and rekindle our confidence in our abilities to make better choices and positive changes in our lives.

I’m not one to deny that transformations occur, nor do I want you to put all your hopes in experiencing a transformation. I believe we should embrace a transformation when it happens, and work towards it when it doesn’t. There’s no need to feel guilty if you don’t experience a transformation. Just go for the next best thing you can work on: a reformation.

Think of every area of your life: Spiritual, Intellectual, Psychological, Social, Professional, Recreational and Physical.

What minor reformation can you do in your life to help you progress in each area of your life? The size of the change doesn’t matter. You don’t know what leverage a small change can bring with it.

Give this a thought, then commit to your reformations.

You’ll soon realize their transformational power.

The sphere of personal development is full of ideas floating around and being adopted by different people.

Some ideas are more popular than others, and gaining popularity with time.

But their popularity isn’t an indication of how true and useful they are to their advocates.

Before I encourage an angry mob to gather at my doorstep, I have to make one thing clear: I don’t fully disagree with the ideas I’m about to criticize.

Each and every idea on the list below has a benefit to offer. However, from what I see, all these ideas are either taken to extremes or aren’t understood correctly by some of the people trying to live by them.

So, consider this list a warning signal for those who have yet to dive into the deep end of these ideas and a life vest for those already drowning there.

1- Follow Your Heart

An alternative way of saying this is: Follow your gut. But judging by what comes out of your gut, it should be clear that this isn’t sensible advice. 😛

To show you what’s wrong with this idea, let’s set the stage for when such advice is usually given: You are torn between two options. One has the full support of your mind and the other is what your heart leans towards. You feel you must follow the first option, but you really want to go with the second.

What do you do? What do you do?

Let’s add more detail to the story: Suppose you’re trying to lead a healthier lifestyle, but you’re really craving a donut. Should you go with your urges, or look for a healthy alternative?

The example above offers a crucial lesson when trying to live according to such ideas as “follow your heart”: In what context is it the right thing to do?

When you lack information about a set of options, the most sensible thing to do might be to acquire more information rather than go with what feels right to you at the time. If you’re pressed for time, then going by gut feelings can be a reasonable approach to breaking out of a dilemma.

But we can’t assume that anything our hearts tell us to do is right for us, especially if we haven’t taken the time or effort to condition our feelings to truly express what’s good for us. In other words, feelings can be powerful indicators of what our true needs are, which our conscious thoughts might be ignoring. They can also offer expression to the wisdom of our subconscious, which tends to pick up on and processes facts that our conscious mind is too dumb or distracted to notice.

“Follow your heart” is not an absolute principle to be adhered to at all times and in all circumstances. Your mind is usually a better indicator of what path you should pursue, even if that doesn’t sound too fluffy and romantic.

2- We’re Human Beings, Not Human Doings

The idea that you should appreciate the stillness of your existence, without the need to do anything to be happy is contrary to human nature. While you may find happiness by appreciating what you currently have and who you currently are, I would bet that that’s not a healthy form of happiness.

So there’s healthy and unhealthy happiness, now?

Of course!

Happiness is an emotional state you experience, but you can experience it for different reasons. Not all reasons to be happy are life-affirming (i.e. good for you). Evading responsibility and limiting consciousness can very well result in a sense of happiness. You basically choose to look away from your problems and imagine scenes and events that incite the feeling of happiness. That’s not a responsible way to live and certainly won’t lead to long-term, healthy happiness.

Trying to be happy while ignoring the need for action – and acknowledging its role in our happiness – is unnatural and unhealthy. Human beings need to do. That’s why we have limbs to do stuff. Our bodies weren’t designed for meditative postures (though they can benefit from them).

A huge chunk of our happiness comes from interacting with reality and feeling a sense of competence that we can set our minds to something and achieve it. We can get the results we want by taking the right actions. If we don’t get the results we want, we can adjust our actions and readjust until we discover the right ways of interacting with reality and discovering the needed skills for success. When babies learn to crawl they learn how it should be done, as well as develop the skill to do it. That results in a sense of accomplishment and healthy happiness.

“Doing” is a natural extension of “Being”. If you are a kind person, then you will behave in ways that express your kindness. Without doing, you aren’t being. Without showing compassion, you aren’t being compassionate.

Therefore, rather than pit “Being” and “Doing” against each other, we should learn to embrace both dimensions of what makes us human, and strive to better them both.

3- It’s Wrong To Be Selfish

This idea is usually expressed in the following way: “You’re being selfish! That’s sick! You’re putting your interests before mine! I hate you!”

I’ll be blunt: Selflessness is hypocrisy, but with good PR.

Anyone who condemns you for being selfish is usually disappointed for not having their own selfish wants satisfied through your selfless sacrifices. Do you smell the foul stench of hypocrisy?

OK, let’s be clear about one thing: Expecting others to make sacrifices for you is a bad thing. Having people pursue their own interests at your expense – with total disregard for your well-being – is a terrible thing. Thinking that making other people happy will somehow compromise your own happiness is a crime against humanity. If that’s what selfishness is, then it’s wrong.

But pursuing your own well-being isn’t wrong. It’s the only way for human beings to act responsibly. Your well-being is YOUR responsibility and no one else’s. Expecting others to put your well-being before their own is not only irresponsible but a crime against human nature and all that is good in the world. But that’s what selflessness demands: putting other people’s interests before your own. Looking at it from the opposite end: Demanding that other people put YOUR interests before their own!

Selflessness does not involve mutual gain. There’s always a winner and a loser.

But there is healthy selfishness, where you pursue your own well-being and seek to contribute to other people’s well-being (since that sets a standard for others to follow). You are never expected to make sacrifices. Only contributions. For mutual benefit. Where everyone is happy, and there’s no demand for sacrificial offerings.

4- Negative Emotions Are Bad

The whole idea that you have to be happy and positive all the time is contrary to human nature.

You have the capacity to experience negative emotions for a reason. That’s because negative emotions can be good for you. They make you aware of a problem area in your life that needs your attention. Trying to ignore your negative emotions, or condemning yourself for experiencing them isn’t the way to go. Addressing the problem that triggered your negative emotions is what you should be focusing on. Negative emotions are the symptoms of a problem, and can motivate you to address that problem. But trying to rid yourself of the emotions themselves will only bring temporary relief, and in an unhealthy way.

Of course, having a disposition towards negative emotions isn’t a good thing. Negative emotions are only healthy to the right degree and for the right reasons. Going into depression for a year because somebody didn’t like a painting you made might not be the right approach to take.

You want to embrace the fact that you can experience negative emotions, and make the most out of them to move your life forward. You’ll be going in the wrong direction if you simply try to run away from them.

5- Live In The Moment

One of the greatest ideas I have come to embrace recently is to live in the moment. It’s such a simple, yet powerful idea.

We’re often caught up in our thinking, and worrying about future events that we rob ourselves of the joy we can experience now. Living in the moment is about connecting with your current context and circumstances, and truly appreciating what they have to offer. When you’re reading a book, you’re reading a book. You’re not thinking about the report you have to write or the emails you have to send or the phone calls you have to make. You’re reading now, so enjoy the experience and the moment.

Thinking about past or future events will only create frustration and anxiety, as you struggle to control events beyond your control. But by focusing on the present, on the situation you are facing in the moment, you can direct your energies on the matters you do have control over and the circumstances you can alter. That’s when you can live your life to the fullest.

So why is this such a bad idea?

Well, if you completely ignore your past, or fail to plan for the future, then you’ll likely face a heap of problems that can very well ruin your life. The issues you’re struggling with now may stem from a past incident you need to acknowledge first, before you can move beyond it. Trying to focus on the present while ignoring your past is only an evasion that will come back to haunt you.

In addition, your present actions need to take you in the direction you would like to head in. Big projects can’t be completed in one day, let alone a single sitting. You have to plan them out over a stretch of time. If you refuse to think ahead because that’s not how you roll, then the idea of living in the moment won’t serve you in the ways you expect it to.

It’s crucial that we embrace the idea of living in the moment with the right frame of mind, without dismissing our past and our future, and the attention they deserve.

6- Be Yourself

Before you strive to be yourself, ask yourself this simple question: Who are you?

OK, I admit. The answer isn’t so simple. Neither is the question. Which goes to show, neither is the idea.

What do you you identify yourself with? Are you the clothes you wear? The ideas you hold? The people you hang around with? The interests you have?

If any of these things changed, would you be a different person and, therefore, going against the idea of “being yourself”?

The danger that comes with trying to “be yourself” is identifying with traits that are often damaging to your well-being. You may have heard people say: “You have to accept me for who I am.” But does this mean that they can’t change, or overcome their weaknesses? If somebody you know is consistently rude and abusive to you, do you have to accept them and encourage them to be themselves?

The point isn’t to identify with your current traits. Personal growth is about growing beyond your weaknesses and towards your strengths.

But “being yourself” is extremely important in life, as long as we understand it in a way consistent with our well-being.

We can never live according to the convictions of others, or in pursuit of their ambitions. We need to think for ourselves and lead our own lives. We can never imitate the behaviors of others, if these behaviors don’t stem from the personal values we hold and are an expression of the person we would like to be.

We don’t have to live to the expectations and standards people have of us, if we don’t wish to live to these expectations or want to conform to these standards. We have to exercise our ability to choose the values we want to live by, rather than mimic the lives of others.

You are not the shadow of somebody else, so don’t live like one.

7- You Create Your Own Reality

Probably the most damaging idea to ever disgrace personal growth literature, and to cripple the efforts of so many people, without them realizing.

You don’t create reality, you interact with it. You don’t create gravity, you become aware of it.

We use our senses to gain raw data about the world in which we live, use our minds to make sense of the data and use our bodies to respond to the data.

“Create your own reality” follows a very different process than the “interact with reality” model.

When you want to create your own reality, you assume that you already know all that there is to know about the world you wish to create and that the creative process is simply your will: you will things to be, and they become! When you fail to get the results you want, you force yourself to strengthen your will and purify your intentions. After all, your reality is a creation of your mind.

If you want success, then you have to consciously create it. Not pursue it. That’s so objective and boring. You’re a god. You create. You will things into existence. You don’t stoop to the level of learning and doing. That’s for the silly unenlightened folk, who have toil and work to achieve their success.

But the “interact with reality” model, on the other hand, isn’t as creative. It tells you that the world is governed by natural laws, which your will is unable to bend, no matter how hard you try. It even complicates the process of creation. It says that you must first understand how the world operates, and then use your understanding to create. But that involves effort, and is slightly demeaning. Plus, what happens if your understanding isn’t accurate, according to the world you live in? You would have to let go of false ideas about the world, and be willing to learn and embrace a new understanding, based on your interaction with reality.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

As dull as the “interact with reality” model may sound, it’s the one that works. The Wright Brothers didn’t invent the airplane by sitting down and consciously creating their invention with the power of their thoughts. They had to build a model. Test it out. See it fail. Determine the cause of failure. Build a new model based on their observations. Test it out. See it fail, and continue to witness failure after failure before they developed the right understanding of how airplanes are supposed to operate, given the laws of nature they have to deal with.

Those who promote the idea that you create your own reality and that there’s no such thing as objective reality often speak about the “laws of the universe” or the “law of attraction”, which applies to everybody, regardless of the type of reality they wish to create. In other words, the laws they set about creating your reality is objective. The content you create within that reality is subjective. But even then, they still rely heavily on an objective reality model. Steve Pavlina didn’t simply create his online success by subjectively creating his reality, even if that’s the explanation he offers on his blog. He had to understand what makes a blog successful, and use that understanding to his advantage. He constantly mentions the need to have a more accurate model of the world.

If you’re creating your own reality, what’s the benchmark for accuracy?

Each one of us sees the world through his or her own perspective, which is conditioned by one’s beliefs, experiences, reasoning and feelings. But that does not negate the fact that we live in an objective reality, and must strive to develop a more accurate understanding of how the world operates, in order to take the most effective actions possible by us.

There are a few more ideas I can think of that have the power to ruin people’s lives, but will leave them for another post. Feel free to share your own thoughts on the subject, and offer your own contribution to the list.

If you happen to disagree with what I’ve said, then I’d love to hear from you! 😀

Positive affirmations are a common practice amongst personal growth enthusiasts. Not everyone seems to experience their powers, but everyone seems to believe that they should work, even when they don’t!

They fit nicely with the idea that we have the power to change our thinking and, therefore, our emotions, which is a central tenet in personal growth.

So why don’t positive affirmations always work? And how can we experience their powerful effects?

Positive Affirmations and Self-Deception

Not all uses of positive affirmations are healthy. Many people totally ignore reality, choose not to think and understand the situation they are in or the feelings they experience. They hope that by repeating a positive affirmation they can somehow make the bad feelings go away, or their situation to transform somehow.

Contrary to popular belief, positive affirmations are powerful, but they’re not magical.

In some situations, your mind will prevent positive affirmations from changing your emotions!

Is your mind acting against you? Is it trying to sabotage your success and well-being?

Not at all. It only tries to prevent you from fooling yourself!

Whenever you try to use positive affirmations to cover up a feeling you should acknowledge, that feeling will pop up at a later time and in situations you did not expect.

If you aren’t feeling happy, repeating to yourself “I am happy” can only work for a short time while you’re trying to get your mind to look away from your problems. But “looking away” is never a good option, and it’s not something your mind is comfortable doing for long periods of time.

Accepting Reality

Positive affirmations affirm something you already believe to be true. They are not intended to manufacture a new belief or a new reality.

The purpose of positive affirmations is to bring your focus to the reality that you acknowledge, but can easily forget about. You must always deal with facts when using positive affirmations. Otherwise, you will only be participating in a self-deception exercise, which your mind will punish you for (you HAVE been warned!).

The Proper Use of Positive Affirmations

Let’s say you made a serious mistake at work. Your default thought process can be to blame yourself, rationalize the mistake, look for excuses, criticize yourself, doubt your abilities and a string of other ways to punish yourself for the mistake.

With such an approach, you can leave yourself pretty damaged. It will lead you to shrivel up and recoil into a dark corner rather than to flourish and grow, as you should.

Rather than focus on the negatives of the situation, positive affirmations are intended to bring your focus to the positive aspects.

Instead of saying:

“I am OK”

“I feel great!”

“I am a beautiful human being”

“I’m the best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be” (if you do happen to say this to yourself, you might wish to see a therapist every now and then. Just a suggestion)

Link your affirmation to a fact that can help you develop that positive focus:

“I choose to learn from my mistakes”

This way, you are acknowledging that you have made a mistake (i.e. a fact you’re not denying or overlooking), yet you choose to focus on learning from the mistake. This is a healthy positive affirmation.

Whenever you doubt your abilities, repeating “I can do it!” might offer you a short-lived motivational high. But it’s something your mind can doubt. Remembering past accomplishments, and incorporating the reminder into your affirmations will win over your mind, and you won’t be experiencing any tension between what you say and what you think:

“I can do it, I’ve done it before!”

This way your affirmations will have the support of past experiences, which will boost your conviction and your confidence.

You can do a simple survey of your life, especially the low points, and you will realize that they are times when you forgot (i.e. did not bring to your attention and focus) all the accomplishments you have made in the high points.

Positive affirmations are meant to bring your focus to the experiences and the facts that can support your life decisions and revive your confidence in yourself and your abilities. They should never be used to affirm an idea you don’t truly believe in or that overlooks the feelings you experience and the situation you are facing.