Personal Growth Map

If you’re like me, writing a list of resolutions or goals doesn’t feel all that comfortable. For one thing, my mind goes as blank as the screen (or paper) I’m facing.

Goals and resolutions are abstract concepts, and trying to express them in concrete form can be very difficult to do (which is why we might default to adopting popular resolutions such as to go to the gym, quit smoking, etc).

An approach that can work better than list-writing is to visualize your ideal life. Aim for a picture (and, preferably, a movie) that shows what your goals will look and feel like in your own life.

This approach is much easier and far more enjoyable than trying to come up with a list of resolutions (which you will do later on, once you’re clear about the results you want to see in your life).

What does your ideal life look like?

What will you be doing?

Where will you be working?

Will you be working?

Who will you spend your time with?

Where will you travel?

Where will you live?

How will you behave?

How will you respond to crises?

What will you look like?

What thoughts will occupy your mind?

What will an ideal day in your life look like? An ideal week? An ideal month? An ideal year?

Don’t place any limits on what you can be, have and do.

Just let your imagination go wild.

I’ll spare you the suspense and tell you from now that I won’t be saying anything along the lines of “If you believe, you can achieve!”

I’m not saying that you will have everything you want, but it’s important that you’re honest with yourself and are willing to admit what you do want.

A lot of the frustration we experience in life isn’t a result of conscious thoughts, but desires running in the background of our minds. And since these desires clash with our immediate surroundings, we can experience frustration, anxiety and depression.

By clarifying what your ideal life looks like, you will consciously know what you should be aiming for in life (after all, this is your ideal life).

Give this issue careful thought before going to sleep, during a quiet time in your day or while you tend to your work throughout the day.

Be conscious of things in your life you’re not too happy with, and what the alternative you desire looks like.

I can’t tell you how valuable this exercise is, but will elaborate on it in later posts, and you’ll realize why this exercise is such a crucial foundation to personal growth and life success.

It’s time to turn away from the screen and give your life the attention it needs.

Sweet (day) dreams. 🙂

In yesterday’s post, we looked at how our expectations can amplify the difficulty involved in a task and define our experiences.

One of the ways to break through false expectations is to “test the waters” and discover for yourself what the experience will be like.

By testing the waters, you don’t set any long-term commitments or aim for specific results. You only want to find out what the experience will involve and how it will feel, through actual evidence rather than distorted expectations.

I sometimes tire myself out thinking about exercising, but when I give it a go it feels far more easier than thinking about it.

The train of thought goes something like this:

“Oh my God, I so wanna exercise but don’t have the time or energy right now. There’s just so much to do. I’d have to go to my room, change my clothes, dig up my sports shoes, turn the door knob, leave the house, … zzzzzzz”

Every single step and gesture becomes an insurmountable task, as though going to your room is as difficult as climbing Mount Everest.

Instead of giving your expectations too much thought, say to yourself: “Let me go round the block and see how that feels.”

Think of the tasks you’ve been putting off or any experience you’d love to have but think is impossible to do so. Then try it out.

Without any expectations or commitments.

You’ll be in a better position to judge how easy or difficult it is once you have some experience to build on and learn from.

“If you fear something then pursue it, because the fear you feel is far worse than the experience itself.”
~ Imam Ali

Our life experiences are heavily conditioned by our expectations.

If we believe that an experience will be frightening, we’ll bring our fear into that experience, even when the circumstances haven’t triggered such a response.

Our expectations can be a result of past experiences that we project onto future ones, the impressions we hold about ourselves and how we will behave, and good ol’ fashioned ignorance.

The problem with having unrealistic expectations is that we can make a task appear much harder than it is, and avoid it at all costs, or easier than it is, and burden ourselves with work we can’t handle.

Look at the learning experiences you’re avoiding and the tasks you’re putting off. You will notice that your expectations play a major role in how you feel and, therefore, how you behave towards them.

When it comes to setting realistic resolutions you can actually stick to, it’s important that you adjust your expectations accordingly.

Lowering Your Expectations

Personal growth writers tend to advocate a “Think Big” attitude to life, and having positive expectations about what you can achieve.

But in many, many cases it’s the ridiculously unrealistic expectations we have that paralyze us and make us avoid doing anything out of fear that our experiences don’t match our expectations.

If you expect not to make any mistakes the first time you cook, for example, and that you’ll know your way around the kitchen (when you don’t), then you’ll avoid setting foot in the kitchen. That’s because somewhere in your brain you know that your expectations aren’t realistic and that you’re destined to make mistakes when you first try something new.

Admitting to yourself that you’ll make mistakes, that you’ll face setbacks, that you’ll screw up at times, that you’ll need to ask people for advice and admit your own ignorance will lift a heavy burden you’re putting on yourself as a result of the high expectations you feel obliged to fulfill.

Achieving your New Year’s resolutions won’t be a super-smooth ride. Not everything will go as planned, and you’ll need to accept that reality won’t fit your expectations as neatly as you want.

Lowering your expectations isn’t about being pessimistic, but about diffusing the pressure you put on yourself to meet unrealistic expectations.

When looking at your resolutions and the goals you set out for yourself, remind yourself that it’s “OK” to make mistakes here and there, so that you can get to see these mistakes as hurdles, and not dead ends.

Tackling your resolutions head-on might seem like a sensible approach to take, but it’s often much easier to work on all the little factors that feed into your goals, rather than depend on heaps of willpower and determination to achieve success.

You’ll notice that making a tiny 1% improvement in several areas will eventually build up to create a powerful force you didn’t realize you can generate so easily.

This is my favored approach to becoming an early riser.

Whenever I decide to shift my schedule to a morning one, I don’t try to force myself to wake up early. Instead, I cut out caffeinated drinks from my diet, eat a light dinner, drink lots of water, avoid mental stimulation before sleep and go to bed early.

With every goal you have, ask yourself the question: What tiny things can I do to help me cultivate the right conditions for my goal to flourish?

Look for all the factors that influence your goal. The environment you work in, the people you connect with, your use of technology, what you eat, how you spend your time, how you plan your day, the breaks you have, etc.

Work on the conditions that surround your goals, rather than the goals themselves.

Aim for small changes and adjustments. Things that make the pursuit of your goals easier and more enjoyable.

Positive change can involve lots of hard work, but it doesn’t always have to. You shouldn’t feel guilty about making your goals easier to achieve.

So how can you create the right conditions to assist you in achieving your goals?

Excuses are a funny thing.

It’s OK, you can laugh out loud at how silly they are. I’m gonna take a few minutes to get a hearty laugh off my chest.

HAHAHA!

Not amused?

Then let me explain why they’re so funny. And I’ll do that with a story.

Meet the Characters

The characters in our story are: the “hero” (those quotation marks deserve to be there. Trust me), the villagers, the weather (yes, you read that correctly), a gang of trolls, and the baker’s daughter (who happens to be a dashing beauty).

Although the characters may sound familiar, the story is entirely different to anything you’ve seen on the big screen or read in a book, simply because it’s rather dull, annoying and doesn’t make much sense.

In fact, it’s absurdity is rather amusing. To my sense of humor, at least.

HAHA! (Oh man, I kill me sometimes!)

Now here’s the funny thing: while no self-respecting writer would ever dare write such a story of fiction, we’re living it on a day-to-day basis (but with slight modifications).

And without further delay, let’s read the story…

Once Upon A Time…

There was a strong, handsome young man, with ambitious goals and a lofty vision. He wanted to make the world a better place and leave his mark in the annals of history. He valued his own happiness, and knew that it was possible for him. Except he was too busy fighting an inner battle between his own desires and doubts.

The villagers thought he was strange. His strength was all too apparent to them, yet he wouldn’t admit it, even to himself. They knew he can accomplish great things, but he spent his days in a dark corner of his room, trying to figure out why he can’t seem to achieve anything.

One night, the baker’s daughter was taken by a gang of trolls on her way home. The villagers knew they can rely on our hero-to-be to get her back, but he didn’t share their conviction.

“How can I get her back? I don’t know where the trolls took her?”

“They left the village from the east. You can follow their trail!” came the response.

“But I don’t know how to follow trails. I’m no good at these things. You can look for someone else. Why don’t you guys do anything? Why do you have to look to me for help?”

“Look! You’re the strongest man among us. We NEED your help!” they villagers pleaded.

“But it’s too cold outside! I can’t walk too far in the cold. I might DIE!” the “hero” said, sobbing uncontrollably.

The villagers abandoned the sobbing wreck, and went out to do the best they can to bring back the baker’s daughter.

And that’s where our story ends.

The Moral of the Story

I have the urge to kick my computer screen at how annoying this story is. The hero could have looked for the baker’s daughter, or at least tried to do so.

But instead, he contented himself with the excuse that the weather was too cold.

Blaming the weather didn’t help get the baker’s daughter back. And here’s the moral of the story:

Blame never gets us to our goals.

We can feel comforted by blaming others or our circumstances, so we don’t feel responsible to take action and risk failure. But no matter who or what you blame, you don’t make any progress towards your goals.

And here’s the funny thing: When we play the blame game, we voluntarily give up control and limit our own ability to reach our goals.

As human beings, we naturally strive to expand our skills and abilities to achieve our goals and experience happiness. But blame reverses this natural pattern. It allows us to experience joy through failure, simply because we’re not held responsible for that failure.

It’s funny because it’s absurd! 😀

The Stuff of Heroes

It’s easy to tell how unheroic the “hero” of our story is. That’s because he lacks the substance of heroism.

Heroes aren’t omnipotent or omniscient beings. They can make mistakes, and often do. Their path is riddled with failures, which they need to recover from.

They do the best they can with what they have.

And, most importantly, they focus on what’s within their power to achieve their goals.

Sure the people in their lives play a part in their lives, their upbringing shapes their character in some way, and there are 101 factors beyond their control. But none of that matters. What matters to heroes is what they can do and how they can expand their abilities to reach their goals.

They aren’t interested in “blame” or “failure”, what people will say or think, or falsely conclude that they are failures simply because they have experienced failure.

They are aware of their ability to choose the actions they take, the thoughts that occupy their minds, and the emotions they cultivate.

They acknowledge their limitations, but work within them and seek to stretch them.

That’s all they can do, and that’s all that matters to them.

“People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past, and getting on with their lives.”
~ J. Michael Straczynski