7 Things I Wish I Had Known Earlier In My Life

My blogger buddy Abubakar Jamil recently wrote a post on the 22 things he wished he had known earlier, then invited his friends to share their own lists.

There are quite a few things I wish I had known earlier, and Abubakar’s invitation was a great opportunity to explore my own thoughts, and the ideas that I have arrived at, which I believe would be beneficial to others to know early in life.

This is my own list:

1- Never regret your past

“Saying ‘if only’ opens the door for Satan.”
~ Islamic proverb

Most of the frustration we experience comes from wishing that our past was somehow different, and this list may encourage this type of thinking: “If only I had learned these things earlier, then my life would have turned out differently!”

But the past can’t be changed. No amount of wishing can bring about such a change, no matter how pure our intentions are. The wisest approach to take is to accept your past for what it is, with all the mistakes you have done and all the bruises you carry with you to this day. Accepting your past is an important step towards change, since it liberates you from trying to control what’s beyond your power to control, and to focus on what’s within your power to control: the decisions you make right now, and in the future.

This list isn’t my way of lamenting over what happened in the past, but to acknowledge and appreciate the ideas that have helped me change course, which I hope others will find useful in shaping the rest of their lives.

2- Think for yourself

I used to avoid thinking for myself out of fear that I’ll reach wrong conclusions, especially when it came to religion and ethics.

Having others think on my behalf was a safe bet, except for the fact that it never is.

“But I’m too ignorant” isn’t an excuse, either. You need to develop your own thinking apparatus to understand life for yourself. You can’t borrow other people’s brains or their conclusions.

Not only is it intellectually unwise, but psychologically destructive.

If you bypass your own reasoning process, you won’t be able to work with your own emotions and develop the right mindset to approach life with.

Ask people questions, especially if they’re more knowledgeable than you. Discuss your own thoughts with them. But don’t put your mind on hold because someone else is willing to think on your behalf.

3- Selfishness isn’t a bad thing

There is a world-wide epidemic that considers selfishness to be evil. If you do something for your own well-being, without benefiting anyone else, then you’re a selfish good-for-nothing. This attitude to life made me feel guilty whenever I pursued anything that brought me pleasure, without it being beneficial to others.

Your well-being is your own responsibility. It’s silly to put other people’s interests and concerns before your own so that you can be considered “moral” (because it would also mean that you’re going to demand that others put your concerns before their own, otherwise they’d be selfish good-for-nothings).

This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t be considerate. Far from it. Being selfish, and respecting other people’s right to the pursuit of their own happiness is the foundation of the Golden Rule.

4- Happiness on earth is a good thing

I was brought up with the idea that life on earth is of little worth, and the only value it has is in paving the way for the afterlife. Therefore, it was irrelevant how I felt, and more important that I did the things that guaranteed me a lofty place in paradise. In fact, activities that brought happiness and pleasure were either seen as distractions or devilish deceptions that were taking me away from “God’s path.”

I have come to understand that happiness on earth is the basis for a moral code suitable for human beings. The idea that individual happiness conflicts with morality is a Kantian perversion that’s at the heart of most human problems, and I wasted many years of my life running away from happiness rather than pursuing it.

5- Religion should serve mankind, not the other way around

I was a religious extremist back in university, and thought that life consisted of making sacrifices for the sake of my religion, rather than appreciating the teachings it carried to advance my own life, and contribute to the lives of those around me. Religion is the means, not the end. It exists to serve mankind (most, if not all, religious teachings agree that God does not benefit from religion).

When it becomes a tool to divide and destroy lives and relationships, you know that something is wrong, and it’s best to make that observation early on in life.

6- Choose Both/And over Either/Or

It seems that the “either/or” mindset is the dominating attitude to life. We are expected to make compromises and choose between one of two options in all aspects of life. You either want to make money, or be happy. You either become successful at work, or spend time with your family. You either want to be intelligent or physically fit. We’re always expected to choose one option and abandon the other.

I’ve learned that in most cases where we have to choose between competing options, we can have them both. Most dichotomies are false. They are presented with too many artificial limitations, that we fail to recognize ways in which we can have all we want. You either do something that advances your well-being at other people’s expense, or advances other people’s well-being at your own expense. But we don’t think of ways where no one has to make sacrifices and everybody wins, because we assume that there has to be a loser at the end of the day.

Life isn’t about compromises, so don’t make any when you don’t have to.

7- You are not your self-image

This is an extremely liberating realization, but it has to “click” with you before you can reap its benefits. Your “self-image” is who you think you are. But who you think you are isn’t really “you”. It’s an impression you have of yourself, based on past experiences, what others have told you about yourself and your obsession with putting labels on yourself as being “good”, “bad”, “shy”, “confident”, etc.

You take every opportunity to add a new label on yourself or reinforce an old one. Every action you do (or avoid) has to “say something about who you are,” which you use to shape your self-image.

But every action you do (or avoid) has something to say about the decisions you have made in the past, and it is up to you to change your decisions in future circumstances. The first thing you can do is drop your self-image, and focus on making the right decision in every situation you face. Don’t worry about judging yourself or what others will think of you. Judge the decision, and you’ll be able to escape the grip of a false self-image that limits your options because you want to act consistently with that self-image.

Throughout your life you’ve been continuously asking yourself: “Who am I?” (i.e. what is my self-image), then proceeded to act accord to the answer. If you’ve been wondering why change is so difficult, the reason at the heart of your struggle is: you are remaining faithful to your self-image. Drop your self-image, and you will be able to realize the options open to you, which you’ve never considered before because they clashed with your self-image.

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These are some of the ideas I wish I had learned earlier in my life, which I look forward to mindfully living by for the rest of my life.

If you’re a blogger and would like to write up your own list of life lessons, check out Abubakar’s invitation and share your ideas with the world!

Photo credit: guldfisken