Month: December 2010

Resolutions look very cute on paper. You might even feel like pinching their cheeks.

But when you begin to realize that there’s an enormous gap between the desires your resolutions convey, and the lack of results you’re seeing, you start to feel like punching those resolutions in the face!

To bridge the gap between resolutions and results, you need to create rituals.

Rituals are activities performed on a regular basis, for a specific reason.

In this case, your rituals help to give physical expression to your resolutions.

It’s very cute to want to “be healthy”, but what does that even mean? What does it look like? How will you achieve it?

Rituals are specific ways you will achieve your results. They’re not done once and forgotten, but repeated in the most meaningful way possible, given your goals and your circumstances.

Some rituals are performed daily, some every other day, some every week. The possibilities are endless.

What rituals do you need in order to see your resolutions through?

What kind of schedule do you need to have to be able to cater for all your goals?

What kind of food will you be eating, and where will you buy it from?

How regularly do you wish to exercise?

How many hours would you like to spend reading? Where will you find the hours?

Think of as many specific ways you can achieve your goals, and stick to them as rituals that appear on your schedule and have a presence in your life.

Without rituals, resolutions can quickly turn into distant hopes that never materialize.

All our decisions in life are motivated by the desire to be happy.

Even dysfunctional and destructive behaviors have the same underlying intention.

Except, the understanding of happiness they are based on is one that is inconsistent with true happiness.

You can desire to make money, believing that money can buy you happiness.

You can stalk a celebrity, believing the attention she gives you will make you happy.

You can stay in an abusive relationship, believing it’s your best chance at happiness.

You can seek revenge against those who have hurt you, believing that their suffering will make you happy.

You can avoid looking at your business account, believing that if you’re not aware of your financial problems, you can be happy.

You can lash out at those around you, believing that expressing your feelings openly and without reservation will make you happy.

Think of your own actions and the actions of those around you, and you will be able to notice the common intention they share.

The sad part is that we often desire happiness, but don’t know what it is.

We accept the definitions floating around us. We mimic the behaviors of others. We follow our own feelings to arrive at happiness.

But when we get there, we feel empty inside.

Happiness doesn’t feel the way we want it to feel.

Happiness doesn’t make us happy.

That’s because we’re chasing the mirage of happiness, and not happiness itself.

Happiness is a state that results from life-affirming actions.

When we do the things that advance our lives, and experience circumstances that promote our well-being, we get to experience genuine happiness, provided that we’re not distracted by false hopes and expectations that can rob us of truly appreciating life and celebrating our well-being.

Whatever you’ve associated with happiness, ask yourself: “Will this truly make me happy? Is it advancing my life in any way? Am I attaching happiness to the wrong thing?”

Money doesn’t guarantee happiness. Not having to worry about money is a crucial factor to happiness, and being able to buy the things you want without feeling deprived is also important.

But is that enough to make you happy? Are material possessions the only ingredients to happiness?

As a human being, you possess many different needs. You have Spiritual, Intellectual, Psychological, Social, Professional, Recreational and Physical needs.

Genuine happiness can be experienced by satisfying your human needs, growing and learning as an individual, contributing to other people’s happiness, and committing yourself to the values and actions that advance life and human well-being, rather than be caught up in the desires and behaviors that bring about a temporary and false sense of happiness that masks a great deal of suffering and emptiness within it.

There’s a great exercise you can do that will help you connect with your inner desire to be genuinely happy and to appreciate the happiness of other people, as well.

Look at the face of another human being. Someone you know, or a complete strange. Someone you love, or someone you hate.

While looking at their face, think of all the attempts they are making to be happy. Think of how they may act out of vulnerability. Out of ignorance. Out of confusion. Think of their weaknesses and their strengths. Their failures and their accomplishments. Their journey in life, with all its ups and downs.

You will experience a profound bond with that person, and sense the common intentions you both share, and the common struggles you both experience.

I use this exercise when I have a dispute with others. I notice myself judging their actions and character. But when I stop to think about their own struggles and their own desire to be happy, while looking at their face, I can’t help but to develop a connection and realize that most of our arguments and disputes are meaningless attempts to chase happiness where there is only a mirage.

By becoming consciously aware of your own intention to be happy and the intention of every other human being to be happy, you can set aside the differences you have with others, and work in ways that promote genuine happiness for all, without being swayed by false promises and empty hopes.

Looking at my own past failures in keeping my resolutions, the most influential reason for failure has always been forgetting that I even have resolutions!

I’d be organizing my papers in March and discover a piece of scrap paper with my resolutions scribbled on it, or accidentally find a computer file with my resolutions buried in them (while searching for a completely unrelated file).

“Oh yeah! Whatever happened to these resolutions? I need to keep this file open so I can check back on these dear resolutions of mine.”

Only to shut my computer off and forget our brief encounter.

To stick to your resolutions, you have to remember them.

It’s very easy to default to past routines when you don’t remember your resolutions, and you’re bombarded with distractions that keep your mind occupied with urgent matters.

So, what sort of reminders can you use to ensure that you don’t forget your resolutions?

What kind of daily/weekly/monthly rituals can help you be mindful of your resolutions?

How can you incorporate your resolutions into your schedule so that they are always present and taken into consideration?

Are there any reasons for why you would intentionally want to forget your resolutions? Fear of failure? Fear of success?

Make sure you have reliable ways to remember your resolutions beyond January, so they can have a chance for success.

Karma is one of those destructive ideas people try to pass off as a natural law, proven by science, and pretend to be an example of cause and effect: You do good, you see good. You do evil, you see evil.

I get worked up about the topic of karma because it leads to so much guilt, misery and confusion that it acts as a massive obstacle on the path to success and happiness.

If you’re offended by my jab at karma, I’d like you to consider the following examples:

When Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, some evangelical ministers said that it was divine punishment (i.e. karma) against the city because of it’s sexual sins.

Isn’t that offensive?

When Haiti was struck by an earthquake in early 2010 and some 230,000 people were killed, Pat Robertson, an evangelical minister, said that the earthquake was a result of a “pact with the Devil” the founders of Haiti had made.

Isn’t that offensive?

I know a woman who had a string of miscarriages and was asked by her husband: “What have you done in your life that God is punishing you in this way?”

Isn’t that insanely offensive?

I find these examples offensive to human intelligence, a distortion of morality and a recipe for suffering.

When you see natural disasters and calamities to be a cosmic response to sin, you won’t empathize with the victims, but condemn them as sinners.

Karma isn’t a natural law and it certainly doesn’t explain a cause-effect relationship in the world.

Giving karma any sort of significance is unhealthy.

Will you sever ties if you disrespect others? Of course you will. But karma has nothing to do with that.

Causal relationships aren’t proof that karma is true. They’re proof that causality is true.

If you eat at a restaurant and get food poisoning, causality would point to the food as the likely suspect.

Karma will point to your past for something bad you may have done.

And astrology will point at the stars, because that’s where your fate is written (apparently).

Do you see why karma is a problem?

For one thing, you’re overlooking the real cause of your ailment. Karma shifts your focus in the wrong direction. It assumes that your moral conduct defines the level of success and failure you experience in life.

If you fail, then you have done something immoral in your past. If you succeed, then you can clear your conscience.

I’m not saying that morality is irrelevant in your life. It’s an essential aspect to healthy living, but not the root cause of all your problems.

At times you need to acquire knowledge you don’t possess.

At times you need to develop skills you lack.

At times you need to focus on the present rather than question your past.

Your circumstances may be the result of past decisions, but you can also be the victim of other people’s poor decisions.

You can’t blame yourself for that.

It’s time that you ditch karma and embrace causality.

Look at the real factors that are shaping your life and decide what you will do about them.

Don’t burden yourself with unnecessary guilt or cloud your judgment with considerations about karma.

You don’t deserve it. 🙂

Goal-setting is a very stressful activity, especially when it’s commonly associated with failure.

In the hope of avoiding disappointment, many personal growth writers advocate the SMART goal-setting approach.

SMART is capitalized not because I’m shouting at you or because I’m being sarcastic, but because it’s an acronym (although you can say it in a sarcastic tone throughout this article to make the article more amusing).

SMART stands for:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic (or Relevant)

Time-bound

I’m personally of the opinion that goal-setting doesn’t tend to work for different reasons, and it ultimately depends on your own circumstances, which is why you need to figure out what you’re struggling with, and find a solution for that.

Do you lack the confidence to pursue your goals?

Do you lack the tools?

Do you find goal-setting too overwhelming?

Are past failures weighing you down?

Do you identify with past failures and label yourself as a failure?

Do you keep putting yourself down through negative self-talk?

Do you find it difficult to come up with goals to pursue?

Are you surrounded by individuals who make personal change difficult?

Are you dealing with a crisis that’s draining your attention and energy?

My guess is that different readers will respond differently to the questions above.

Some questions will be more relevant than others.

Some questions will sting a little, and some will sting a lot.

But the SMART approach doesn’t take the complexity of goal-setting into consideration.

It somehow overlooks many of the challenges people face when it comes to achieving their goals.

It’s what I would consider a simplistic approach, and not a simple one.

Besides, should all goals be measurable? And are all goals time-bound?

Maybe these are the factors responsible for your struggles in the first place!

I know from personal experience that having a “time-bound” goal when it comes to weight-loss is a major reason for giving up on healthy living.

You want to lose X amount of kilos in Y number of days.

But when you don’t see it happening and your progress is too slow, you give up on your goal and return to your old, unhealthy ways.

You may experience better results if you were to drop the time limit and take each day as it comes.

You can focus on making your choices for the day the best choices possible to you, and allow the results to take care of themselves.

You may not meet a deadline, but do you really need a deadline? For every goal?

It certainly helps to take the SMART factors into consideration, but it’s also wise to look at each of your goals and think of all the factors you need to make it happen, and to be aware of the obstacles standing in your way.

If you think that one of the SMART factors doesn’t apply to one of your goals, don’t feel obliged to force your goals to fit into the SMART template.

That may not be the smartest thing to do.