Personal Growth Map

My wife (a.k.a. the wifey) once presented me with this hypothetical scenario:

Suppose you are a waiter at a restaurant.

There are two women, one fat and the other skinny, sitting at a table. You were asked to take a Pepsi and a Diet Pepsi to them.

Who would you offer the Diet Pepsi to?

Making assumptions about people’s dietary choices based on their body size can be offensive, but I was quick to answer: “I’d ask them: ‘Who ordered the Diet Pepsi?'”

The wifey said: “Suppose you can’t ask.”

“Easy! I’d say what the drinks are and put them in the middle for them to take the drink they ordered!”

“Well, let’s suppose you can’t do that either.”

“That’s easy! I’d commit suicide!”

Yes, I’m not the biggest fan of hypothetical scenarios, and by the end of this post I suspect you won’t be, either.

Hypothetical scenarios are useful to isolate a particular issue so it can be understood more fully, and they are enormously useful in education.

Rather than mention a particular political incident, where people can be distracted by the details, you present a hypothetical scenario so you can discuss the role of an ideal government, for example.

It is also very common to use hypothetical scenarios when exploring moral questions, or for preparing responses to situations you are likely to face in the future.

The problem is when you apply the same hypothetical thinking to address real-life problems.

Hypothetical scenarios involve context-dropping, where you don’t consider the specifics of a situation, but its general description.

In real-life, the specifics matter. You think within the context of your life.

You don’t ignore details or try to think of how someone might tackle the problems you’re facing, without taking all the relevant details of your life into consideration.

For example, suppose you are looking for a job in the IT field. How would you do it?

You can use job boards, go to a career office, approach companies, or ask the people you know.

If you say to yourself: “But what if I don’t find anything in the job boards?” before you even search them, you know that hypothetical thinking has damaged your brain.

Why? Because you’re trying to plan for something that doesn’t exist in your life, while overlooking the opportunity you have in front of you.

You think that’s bad? Most of us go a step further. We don’t ask the people we know for help!

Why? Because in the back of our minds we say to ourselves: “But what if I didn’t know these people? How would I be able to get a job by myself?”

We form a very generic, universal scenario in our head that’s meant to encompass the whole of humanity and then ask: “How would I function then?”

But you never live in a universal scenario.

Your life is made up of details that you don’t share with anyone else.

There are similarities with other people, of course. But you can’t overlook the unique elements that form your life while trying to make a decision.

My wifey’s hypothetical scenario would never exist in the real world, so why bother searching for an answer to such a scenario? Why can’t I ask the women who ordered what? Why can’t I put the drinks in the middle?

In many ways, we unnecessarily restrict our options because we’re thinking hypothetically.

Don’t think about the people that are in the worst possible situations (physical disability, abusive father, no family or friends, in huge debt, under a corrupt regime, etc), then live your life according to their situation. Accept the opportunities you have, as well as your own limits.

For every goal you wish to achieve, look at the resources available to you and only you. Then look at the resources available to those in your neighborhood, your country, your region.

Embrace the details that make up your life.

Don’t imagine life in other people’s shoes. Live in your own.

Unfortunately, the line between your convictions and other people’s convictions is often blurred.

You may feel obliged to accept other people’s convictions, or demand that they accept yours.

This problem can halt your progress in life, since you can’t move a step forward with your own convictions when there’s someone, somewhere who happens to disagree with you.

Others may tell you that you can’t achieve your goals. And rather than focus your time, energy and attention on your goals, you dedicate yourself to changing their convictions to match yours.

Then, and only then, will you give yourself permission to move towards your goals.

But the fact is, you don’t have to convince others to accept your convictions.

All you have to do is live according to your own convictions.

The world makes sense to you according to how you see it, and you should act according to that understanding. You can’t take action according to other people’s understanding of the world, be they your parents, friends, managers, or any authority figure.

Think of every goal that you have, and whether you’ve attached a “yes, but Person X doesn’t believe I can do it/think it’s right/cares about this” to that goal. If you have, then you’re living your life through someone else’s convictions.

Remind yourself that you have a mind of your own, and that you should respect your own convictions, as well as give others the space to form their own convictions, without them defining how you will live your life.

One of the unhealthiest ways you can approach life is as a spectator.

Rather than live life, you observe it.

You offer a commentary on the world, without taking part in it.

You don’t make any decisions, so as not to suffer the consequences of bad judgments.

You don’t expose yourself to criticism or subject yourself to ridicule.

You play it safe, and direct your attention to other people’s problems and accomplishments, while overlooking your own.

If you’ve been finding it difficult to apply what you learn from personal growth literature in your own life, then it’s highly likely that you’re functioning in a spectator mode.

You’re busy learning about life, but distance yourself from it.

You want to know, but not apply.

To change your life and reach your goals, you must change your mode of operation.

Instead of being a spectator of life, you must become a participant in it.

Instead of asking: “What can I learn?” you should ask: “How can I apply what I learn?”

Instead of asking: “What could he have done differently?” you should ask: “What can I do better?”

Don’t sit in the sidelines admiring other people’s accomplishments or mocking them for their shortcomings.

Direct your attention towards developing your own character, improving your own life and giving your knowledge practical expression through your own actions.

All you need to exercise is your body.

There, I said it.

You don’t need gym membership, or an exercise partner, or the right shoes, or any equipment whatsoever.

I would even say that you don’t need extra time to exercise, since you can incorporate exercise routines in your daily activities.

Don’t get me wrong. You can get better results by using better resources, but you don’t need these resources to get some results.

I’m only using exercise as an example of one ingenious way we tend to come up with excuses.

We focus solely on a single “missing ingredient” and believe that nothing can be accomplished without it.

“Where in God’s name am I supposed to exercise if I don’t have gym membership? The MOON!?”

“What kind of a writer would I be if I don’t have a Moleskine notebook?”

“This Internet connection is SOO slow! I can’t do anything!”

That missing ingredient occupies all our attention and becomes an obsession that we can’t look beyond. Our goal no longer becomes exercising, or writing, or working, but getting gym membership, buying a Moleskine, or subscribing to a faster Internet connection.

And once that missing ingredient is acquired, you realize that there’s another missing ingredient you just can’t function without.

You’ll never have all resources at your disposal. There’s always something out there that can improve your results. But you need to work on getting some results now and make progress towards better results.

What resources do you already possess and can make use of? Focus on utilizing what you already have, before you set your sights on what you think you need to make progress.

Some progress with imperfect tools is better than no progress while desperately searching for the perfect tools.

Personal growth literature is, in many ways, a collection of remedies.

To know which remedy you should take, you need to carry out a proper diagnosis.

What works for others may not work for you, simply because you’re experiencing the same symptoms, but suffering from an entirely different condition.

This is why you need to be very selective about the advice you follow, and not to put your hopes up that you will experience the exact same successes others have experienced by following the steps they’ve taken.

One such step is public accountability. Many personal growth writers swear by its effectiveness and encourage their readers to put themselves “out there” in order to experience growth, but my own experiences are just the opposite.

Whenever I publicly announce a goal I almost always fail to meet it. Having others know about your goals can put you under pressure, but it depends on you whether it’s the good kind of pressure or not.

Do you find the thought of public accountability distracting? Does it make you panic? Does it encourage negative feedback?

Does it excite you? Does it make you feel more committed? Does it attract positive feedback?

There’s no way of saying that public accountability is universally good or bad. It depends on your own circumstances and how you feel towards it.

If it does put you under pressure, then don’t announce your New Year’s resolutions to the world.

Keep them a secret (at least for now). You may feel much more comfortable letting other people know what you’ve been up to after getting some results you’re proud of revealing rather than have others question your chances of success when you’re empty-handed.

I have some goals that seem too far-fetched and idealistic that I don’t share with others. By keeping some goals private, I allow myself to explore these goals further, without having to explain myself to others or be under their watchful eye.

Decide which goals you are comfortable sharing publicly and which goals you wish to keep private, and be aware of the influence public accountability has on your performance..